Written by Doug Harvey

There’s a private caller on the line, he wants to know just what I think
Not about my smart phone or the kind of beer I drink
Do I go to tea parties? Do I believe in common core?
I ask him “just who wants to know and who’s he working for?”
He says “I don’t know who pays the bills, I just make these calls.”
I say “I’m busy but call me back when you grow a pair of balls.

Rachel from Card Services calls me every day
My account has got no problems but I’ve got to act today
To consolidate my balances and obtain a lower rate
I admit she’s got me interested and I almost take the bait
But she sounds more like a Valley girl than an agent of the banks
So I press ”2”, take me off your list, for the hundredth time, no thanks.

There’s a guy with an Indian accent named Dave from Bangalore
Calling from US Pharmacy, the Internet drug store
He asks me about my medicines and how I feel today
Surely some Cialis will help my ailments go away.
I ask him ”Do I know you?” He says “Sure, we’ve met before.”
I tell him, “Man, I don’t think so” and “Don’t call here anymore.”

Who, who is Q?
Who, who, who is Q?
Is Q the genius behind the Kung Flu?
Or a trick or treater who likes to shout “Boo”?

The hucksters got my number, the phone rings night and day.
Half the time there’s no one there. I don’t know what to say.
The banks aren’t lending money but I hear there’s still a chance
To qualify for a business loan with a next day cash advance.
I say “I’m sorry, but I’ve fallen; I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.
I’m alone and I got the cops on the phone so for God’s sake please hang up.”

© Copyright by Doug Harvey and Bird Ash Music

Appears on

American Delirium